The Interrogation
by BleachedMerc
Summary: A new stealth operative is dispatched to aid Raiden, but his interrogation of the enemy yields very little helpful information.


Sergeant Doboy was just following orders. He was to act as Raiden's decoy on the Big Shell. While Snake went on the C and D connecting bridge in a box and Raiden slipped on seagull droppings on the A and B connecting bridge, Doboy snuck across the B and C connecting bridge into the C building where the kitchen was. Because everyone knows that C is for kitchen.

He saw Stillman there trying to fit into a closet.

"Hello, P. Stillman," said Sgt. Doboy.

Stillman saluted. "Hello, Sgt. P. Doboy."

"Are you hiding from the Russians?"

"I am hiding not from the Russians," said Stillman. He then climbed into the closet and locked the door. "I am hiding from the Russians," he said from behind the locked door.

Sgt. Doboy nodded.

"What?"

Sgt. Doboy nodded.

"What?"

Sgt. Doboy nodded.

"What?"

Sgt. Doboy nodded.

"What?"

Sgt. Doboy nodded.

"What?"

Sgt. Doboy nodded.

"What?"

Sgt. Doboy nodded.

"What?"

Sgt. Doboy nodded.

"What?"

Sgt. Doboy nodded.

Stillman opened the door. "What?"

Sgt. Doboy nodded.

Stillman nodded back and shut the door again.

Doboy surveyed the area until he got a call on his codec. It was the Colonel—or rather, the machine pretending to be the Colonel.

"Baker's Treat; how may I help you?"

"Roger that, Colonel!" said the Sgt.

"Excuse me? Who is this?"

"I'll do it right away! Raiden will complete the simulation no problem!"

"Is this something you want written on a cake?"

"Just…make sure you keep _your_ end of the bargain."

"Sir, unless you have an order, I'm going to have to hang up."

"Roger."

Doboy closed his codec and walked up to one of the kitchen counters. He checked his radar just to make sure the Russians he had knocked out in the bathrooms hadn't reemerged. But just then, something caught his eye. Because weapons had to be procured on-site, Doboy had nothing to defend himself. So he picked up an eggbeater and aimed it at the thing that had caught his eye. It was an apron.

The Sgt., who had training in all of the warring hotspots around the world—including Hershey Park, Hostess Meadows, and Twinkie Town—stared his enemy down with the eyes of a honed warrior. Then, with lighting fast reflexes, he grabbed the apron, wrestled with it a bit, and eventually managed to successfully subdue and tie it around himself.

Then Doboy put down the eggbeater and looked for other weapons he could use. He went to the fridge and pulled out some eggs, flour, milk, butter, and chocolate chips. Then, he grabbed a bowl and put all that stuff in it. He attacked the soggy goop of flour with his eggbeater until the walls were lined with his foes' blood much like the way Grey Fox had done in Shadow Moses. But even after all that thrashing, the survivors wouldn't talk.

"Where is Metal Gear?" Doboy demanded, holding a whisk up to the bowl. When the bowl remained silent, the Sgt. applied the torture techniques he had learned during his time with Little Debbie. "ANSWER ME!" he roared as he whisked the batter.

Still nothing.

Now it was time to get serious. Doboy rolled up his sleeves and prepared to use the technique taught to him by the Two Fat Ladies. With merciless hands, he grabbed chunks of the dough and started rolling them into balls. "YOU WORTHLESS PILE OF SHIT! ANSWER ME OR DIE!"

He was now really tearing into the muted enemies. Wad after wad of them was rolled into balls and slammed onto a cookie sheet until none remained.

"Damnit. Looks like I'll have to use _that_," Doboy grunted. He grabbed the sheet. "This is your last chance," he warned. "Tell me where Metal Gear is."

Nothing.

"Fine. But remember: you brought this on yourselves."

Doboy shoved them into the oven and let them bake for twelve minutes or until golden brown. He then pulled them out and went cannibal on them.

Another incoming codec call interrupted him as he beheaded and devoured the remaining enemy.

"This is Doboy; go ahead."

"Hi, this is Mike calling from the 7th street bakery. Your order's ready to be picked up."

"Snake?"

"Excuse me?"

"Snake?"

"Uh…okay? You can pick up your order any time between—"

"SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!"

The codec transmission was severed and Doboy froze. He was devastated.

Slowly rising to his feet, the sergeant knew he had to press on with his mission. He removed his apron and walked out to the C and D connecting bridge to prepare for Raiden's inevitable confrontation with Metal Gear.


End file.
